She's From Texas

Have you ever done something that, even while you're doing it, part of your brain is telling you that it isn't a good idea? I did something like that last night. Part of my brain said, "I don't think this will work." The other part said, "It'll be fine." I listened to that last half and it was wrong.

I went out late yesterday afternoon to Target, that greatest of all discount (not really) stores to do some Christmas shopping. This particular Target is located on a very busy highway that I hate to drive on. Drivers in Illinois, especially on this road, are not very nice. I was in the left turn lane, turning onto the highway when I realized that I had turned into the turn lane of oncoming traffic. In my defense, there was a large snow embankment that made me think it was the side, my side, of the highway, when in fact it was the median. So, what to do? There was too much traffic headed my way to make a U turn and go back the other direction. Plus, no one seemed willing to let me turn in front of them.

And that's when I got an idea, an awful idea. I got a wonderful, awful idea. I drive a Chevy Tahoe, not a small contraption, and so I figured I could jump the median and get back onto my side of the road. The median wasn't very big, after all, and I've jumped bigger curbs in Texas. Part of me said, "Don't do this. Just wait for traffic to clear." But, I was afraid that the traffic would be coming right into me, so I did it. I "tried" to jump the median. However, the part of the equation that my Texas brain failed to take into consideration, was that the median was made of ice. Does that make a difference, you might ask. Well, I'm here to tell you that it does indeed.

I hit that median and got one wheel over before the truck stopped cold, wheels continuing to spin. I put it in reverse and tried to back up...more spinning tires. I put it back in drive, same result. I reversed and drove and reversed and drove and never made it more than an inch in either direction. Admitting defeat, I called the cops. Luckily, I was pretty much in between the southbound and northbound lanes of traffic and I wasn't really blocking anyone on either side from going around. That didn't keep people from honking at me, like I wasn't aware I was in the middle of the road.

As I sat there waiting for the cops, feeling very stupid, a Russian taxi driver pulled up along side. "Are you ok, sweetheart?" he asked with a very heavy accent. I told him that I was and then he offerred me this pearl of wisdom, "You're not really stuck, you're just scared. I'll block traffic and you give it gas and you'll be gone. You're just scared." I begged to differ, but he blocked traffic and so I felt obliged to give it another go. Guess what? I was stuck. He got out of his taxi, and along with another man who stopped, they tried to rock my truck off the median. At one point, Russian taxi driver kicked me out of my vehicle, "You get out now, I drive...please." and stomped on the gas. Still stuck.

About this time, cop arrives and the three of them try to rock the Tahoe off the median. No luck. So, good samaritans go on their way and I sit in the police car (did I mention it was about 15 degrees outside) and wait for the tow truck. Now luckily, I haven't registered my vehicle in the State of Illinois, so I still had my Texas plates. I think they took pity on me, because no tickets were handed out. It may have also helped that this particular cop, thank you God, had been an Austin police officer in the late 90's and he loved living in Texas! I'm not sure what the odds are on that one, but I was greatful.

So, tow truck finally shows up and within about 2 minutes has me off the median. He takes my truck back to the Target parking lot so that I can get some cash to settle up with him. Evidently, if the cops call a tow truck, they charge you more. Tow truck driver looks at cop and asks, "Are you going to write something up?" Cop looks at him and says, "Nah, she's from Texas." Evidently, that equates to "cold weather moron" because when I came back out of Target, the tow truck driver said, "I started up your truck and turned on the heat so you won't be cold when you get in." He also took a check, because I realized that I have no clue what my new PIN number for the ATM is. I'm going to keep those Texas plates handy in case of other emergencies.